Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Praying The News

I started praying for the family of James Foley as soon as I saw that gruesome image on CNN. I found out today that brave journalist was a member of my church.  It makes my prayers even more personal. I'm really impressed by the comments made by his Mom in this article. She's an inspiring example of Faith.

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Cost of Raising a Child

There is a new government report that states the average cost of raising a child from birth to age 18 is $240,340 for a middle-income family in 2013. There is so much public pessimism when it comes to high cost of raising a child. It's almost reassuring to see how our government worked it out as one giant math problem.

As someone who lives this economic reality, I would say the largest economic hit comes from one or both parents scaling back their career in order spend more time parenting. That decision is highly varied. Sometimes there is the typical "stay-at-home" Mom and full-time working Dad. Sometimes it's a stay-at-home Dad, and full-time working Mom. Sometimes both parents take part-time work. Sometimes it a major career shift for both parents-such as deciding to both in Academics instead of Corporate Consulting. Even for the full-time working parent, I think there is this general shift of putting family time ahead of the normal career track. So a working parent might turn down a promotion and pay raise that leads to more travel time or a longer commute.

I know many parents who decide to put family time ahead of straight cash. That value system can happen whether you have one child or ten. For me, the biggest cost in having another baby at age 40 comes from "lost economic opportunity" rather than a straight outlay of cash. Another baby means that my husband will have less time to take on extra freelance work due to being groggy from late night wake-up calls. My writing life will continue to sputter along somewhat half-hazardly for another 2 years. Yet at the end of the day, artists and writers don't tend to make much money. We're talking about losing $500 to $3,000 a year--not forfeiting $50,000 to $100,000.

Putting aside the lost economic opportunity issue, as an experienced Mother, it's hard for me to relate to the formal calculation of a large cash output for each baby.

This is a link to the USDA's "Expenditures on Children by Families."  If you are a policy wonk like me, you might like to check out their long explanation of housing costs. If you want to skip to the nitty gritty, go to the helpful graph on  page 23.

I'm frustrated that the USDA does everything in "aggregate" numbers and percentages. I'm a girl who uses a monthly family budget. That's how I track our spending. Quite honestly, I'd be both freaked out and confused if my husband said "the new baby Benjamin's clothing allowance should be $14,720 for the next 18 years." As a wife and mother, my response is: "Who shops for 18 years of clothes at the same time? Dude, you only get a paycheck every two weeks! Also, we have no idea if this kid choose to wear ratty sweatshirts and $80 basketball shoes, or $3 neatly pressed Oxford shirts from Goodwill. Lets slow down on the "obsessive planning for the future," and let our son make some of his own clothing decisions as he grows up."

Here's a breakdown of the math behind the sticker shock equation.

$245, 340 for 18 years.
$13, 630 per year*

(this isn't exact because 16 year old boys eat more than 2 year old boys, but lets go with easy numbers for clarity)

The government expects us to spend 30% on extra housing costs per child.
That's $4,089 a year or $340 per month

The government expects us to pay 16% on extra food costs per child
That is $2,180.80 a year or $181 per month.

The government expects us to pay 18% on extra childcare and education per child.
That is $2453 a year or $204 a month.

The government expects us to pay 14% on extra transportation costs per child.
That is $1908 per year or $159 per month.

The problem with these scary sticker shock numbers is that it doesn't work for the economy of scale.

I'd like to take one category--transportation--and show how real life can intersect at odd angels with the government's strange math equation on the cost of raising a child.

When I was pregnant with my first child in 2002, my husband drove a red Jeep that was full paid off and I drove Grand AM that was also paid off. There was nothing wrong with putting a car seat in the backseat of a Jeep that a roll-over bar and a snap on roof (or alternatively only driving the baby in my 4 door car). Yet it didn't feel "right" as new parents to own non-baby friendly Jeep anymore. So my husband decided to trade in his car for a gently used PT Cruiser with a car payment of $252 per month.

So for us--one baby equaled a transportation increase of $252 per month, instead of the government projected increase of $159 from our child free days.

In 2004, we moved out of State. I sold my car when I quit my job to become a stay-at-home Mother. For the next six years, we were a one-car family with only our PT Cruiser. Our maintenance costs went down dramatically by having only one, newish car. We added two more kids in 2005 and 2007. Instead of "moving up" in transportation cost, I went out and bought the skinniest booster seats that I could find. The government "per kid" calculation would have me at $159 x 3 kids, or $477 per month. Instead, I'm still paying $252.00 per month--for the same car at the same price as my first child. That is a savings under my government projected costs of 3 kids at $225 per month.

Honestly lets go on a tangent and talk about real life. I don't know many double income no kid couples that have a single car-payment of $252 per month. Most couples have 2 cars. Most couples have nice, new cars. I'm taking a wild stab here, but it would probably be normal for my husband to upgrade to a Jeep Cherokee and for me to upgrade to a Honda Accord. That's no BMW price--but we'd be looking at $800 in car payments by age 30 easy.

The people who decide to have only one used car, and stick 3 kids in the backseat in skinny car seats are parents. Parents are known as the thrift nuts who go to ridiculous lengths try to save money. When I was a working married wife without kids, I ordered a $2 Tim Hortons donut and a large black coffee special everyday before my commute to work. Now I beg my husband to make me frothy cappuccino with extra cheap coffee every morning at a cost of $0.15 per day. When you have kids, you have an extra incentive to save money.

Okay, tangent over. Back to my transportation story. In 2009, our lovely PT Cruiser broke down immediately after we emptied our entire savings account to pay for one kid's super expensive emergency dental surgery bill.  We started taking the City bus. For the next 2 years our transportation budget went $25 for an adult bus pass and $15 for a kids bus pass for a kid over age 5. We also added a new baby. The new baby, and the 3 year old rode free on the City Bus. Now our transportation bill was $25 + $25 +$15 +$15= $80. Now that is $80 for the entire transportation budget--no gas, no tolls, no maintenance fees. According to the standard of the government, I now have 3 kids--but I'm $79 ABOVE the budget for one single kid's transportation fee.

In 2011 we move out to the country and nine months later, I have a fifth baby. There is no bus system in the country, so I need to buy a car. Now my husband is making the same salary, but now I can afford to buy a car because my housing expenses to buy 3 bedroom house in the country is $850 per month (for all housing expenses including taxes) vs paying $1600 a month for a 2 bedroom apartment in a DC Suburb.

I picked out a two year old Chrysler Town and Country with low mileage from Carmax. My husband gets us sometime of crazy, extra maintenance coverage plan--so our $325 car-payment goes up to $455 per month. That car fits seven passengers, 2 adults and 5 kids or 1 adult and 6 kids (if Jon takes his own car whenever we go to church or the beach). I'm now at $455 per month for a regular car payment.

Under the government proposed cost plan, I should have $795 in monthly transportation costs for 5 kids ($159 x 5)  or  $954 for six kids ($159 x 6). But see my transportation costs don't go up that dramatically. I use slightly more gas to take an extra kid to the doctor or to Swim Team practice or to a play date. But I'm not at all close to $1,000 a month in extra gas or maintenance charges.

In fact, dragging around 6 kids under age 12, means that we pretty much use LESS gas than most 2 kid families that I know. It's a project getting 3 young kids out of the house. For months after a new baby, we voluntarily leave our home only for the essentials of doctor check-up visits, absolutely necessary grocery store runs, and required Sunday Mass. Everything else is like "Let just walk to the park and push the baby in the stroller today. Who wants to deal with the extra crying from infant car-seat trauma!"

Most families that I know use creative problem solving techniques to keep their budgets low. That ability to be prudent, joyful and a tad daring, is a financial skill that can come whether you have 1 kid, 2 kids, 4 kids or 10 kids.

In every category for "child rearing expenses" there is so much flexibility and choice.  For example, the government put educational expenses and child care at $204 a month per child. That just seems like a crazy, made up number. For an infant who needs 40 hours of daycare a week that comes out to roughly $1.28 an hour. I don't know who I would find to watch my newborn son at $1.28 an hour---but there is no way in hell that I would trust a stranger who I paid that little.

Educational costs come at such a wide range of prices. $204 a month might cover school supplies and school lunches for a public school kid starting at age 5. Yet we know some Catholic families who pay between $15,000 to $20,000 a year to send their kid to Catholic High School.

Then there is my family's budget for education and child care. We basically have $0 infant child care cost, $0 pre-school costs, and even if I really stretched us with all of my dream History glitter projects and our massive late library fines, I don't spend more than $30 a month for each elementary school student. For fun, I should present my husband proper billing for homeschooling. On the bill would be "Bribes to Teacher-$2 Dove Chocolate Bars, $15 Moms Night Out Movie Night, and $4 Carnations."

How much does it cost to raise a child?

It really depends.

Family budgeting is more of an Art than a Science. Along the way, there is so much room for discovery. I learned how to cook when I became a Mom. The other day, I introduced my 7 year old to the joy of Sun-Dried Tomatoes. I could have paid $15 a plate for nice Pasta Dish with my honey on a more regular basis if we stayed child-free. Yet there is something kind of cool with watching a future Chef eat a Sun-Dried Tomato for the first time. I'm glad I was there to catch my daughter in that unique moment.

I feel like I live a nice life with 5, almost 6, kids. I eat better. I dress better. I laugh more.

I'm someone who spent $85,000 on three years of law school where my memories are mostly of boredom in class, watching snowy grey skies from the Law Library Windows, and eating a $2 Budget Gourmet Frozen Meal every night for dinner. Somehow spending $245,340 (or far less!)  on gaining a new son in 2014, seems like a better economic deal.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A Mom's Response To Seeing Photos From the Missouri Looting Incidents

I remember watching the TV video coverage of the 1992 Los Angeles Riots when I was a high school student in 1992. My Dad was a Political Science Professor at the time. As a result, the 6 O'Clock New Hour was a huge nightly event in our family. I remember having stacks and stacks of VHS tapes recording boring Senate Debates next to our VCR. As his daughter, I was a News Junkie before CNN became popular and the 24 Hour News cycle gained popularity. Yet Race was a topic my Dad never talked about in our all white home. I never had even one conversation with my Dad about the LA Riots while they were going on, which was a strange anomaly in my childhood.

A few years later, I majored in American History at Smith College in liberal Massachusetts.  I remember when we studied the LA riots in History Class. I looked forward to gaining clarity from a scholarly study of this historical event. I learned so much from studying the Iran Contra Scandal and Reagan's "Ketchup Counts as a Vegetable for School Lunch" controversy as a young adult. All the confusing mosaic of emotions and facts that I gathered only piecemeal as a daughter in my Father's House, got sorted, and reinterpreted in my own heart as an adult.

The American History Professor who lectured me on the LA Riots was young, male, and without tenure. He was nervous. He spoke quickly about the facts of the LA Riots--as a side note to his main lecture. I'm fairly certain this lecture happened well before the OJ Simpson Trial in 1995. Yet Race was already a tense topic in my college. (My college either invented the term Politically Correct, or was one of the first places to adopt the philosophy).  In the class discussion that followed the lecture, there were only 3 or 4 African-Americans who spoke up. This was a strange situation since my college's small class size encourages open discussions and I'd describe the typical Smith Student as "A Woman Who Holds Extremely Strong Opinions".

I raised my hand and asked my professor a questioned directly related to our reading assignment on the LA Riots. He looked at me with fear and didn't answer. He's eyes sort of said "We are not going to talk about that today!" I was confused because this man had assigned us 45 pages of reading material on the LA Riots, why were we not going to cover that event in class today?

Then I saw the glares coming from three African American woman across the circle of desks. There's is this special "Shaming Look" that can come between 19 year old women. The message of this look is more clear than a knife fight. "Don't go there girl!" I started to blush. I became accutely aware that I was white and because of my different race I was unqualified to talk about a Race Riot.

I was young. I took that shaming message to heart. I stopping talk in that class. I stopped talking up in any class where race became an issue--unless I said the "correct opinions" which is that as a white girl, I can't possibly understand the pressure of the Black Community. I shouldn't have an opinion about Riots or Looting other than to think that Police Brutality is Wrong and People are justified in showing their anger at an oppressive white system.

That's the vantage point that I've kept while reading about the Ferguson Riots in Missouri. Police Brutality is a serious sin. It happens. It's unfair and its wrong. It's our Constitutional Duty as Americans to prevent it and punish the guilty parties. One bad cop can send ripples through our society that hurts everyone--the victim, the family, the neighborhood, the good cops who now have a harder time doing their job, and millions of Americans far from the crime scene who see an erosion of basic Civil Liberties.

If I was uncomfortable with the night time looting that went on after the legitimate protests, as I white woman, I couldn't form an opinion about it. I couldn't possibly understand what it meant to be young, black, and afraid of the police killing me without reason. The looting only underscored the pain of a minority community suffering from police brutality, it didn't distract from it. So I read articles about the police brutality incident and skipped over almost all mention of the looting incidents.

Then I saw this picture from a Washington Post photographer who actually got beaten up badly while capturing this photos.



When I saw this photograph, I reacted as a Mom. My son is nearly 10. I've got enough humility to know that despite my husband and my best parenting efforts, this picture could totally be of my son at age 18. Boys have their own trouble streak that can appear whenever adrenaline and peer pressure are involved.

Yet, It's my job as a parent to tell my kids that this is NOT acceptable behavior.

I am a stay-at-home Mom in the trenches. I teach the "Thou Shall Not Steal" Commandment a thousand times every day. I say "It's not okay to sneak the Transformer Toy into Mom's Target Shopping Cart after she says No and hope she is so distracted by your 2 year old sister in the check out line that she pays for it unknowingly."

I say "It's not okay to be careless with library books because that is similar to stealing."

I say "No, you can't take your Sister's Happy Meal Toy Away from Her without asking." "No, stealing popsicles from a Baby is easy but not cool!"

When I saw that photo of the a looter, I was instantly in Mom mode. I thought "Those 3 wine bottles do not belong to you, put them back. Pull up your pants over your underwear. Put on your shirt. Walk away from Temptation--just because a crowd of friends are doing the wrong thing doesn't mean you have to join them!" Most importantly, I thought  "This is not the right way to express anger."

My kids are real people, not plastic toys. They feel injustice acutely--probably even more than me because they are young. When faced with injustice, my kids get mad at me. They get mad at their Dad. They get mad at their siblings. One of the first things they do when faced with injustice is to physically hit someone else. The toddler is mad that someone stole his favorite truck, so he slugs his playmate. The pre-teen is mad that I said No to a movie, or too short skirt or buying a new phone, so I get "Sass." As a Mom, I'm constantly teaching "Your feelings are okay, yet your expression of them is not."

Our job as adults is to hold the line. Our job is to say "there are right ways to express your anger at injustice and there are wrong ways." Peaceful assembly is good. Looting is not. Our young adults have their own minds and their own hearts. They might not always listen to us. Yet as the adults in a society, we should be unified in some common ground rules.

This morning I read the first journalism piece in six days that talked about some protesters themselves feeling saddened by the violence and looting. "It's not serving the purpose," said James Bryant, a 31-year-old from St. Louis, as he watched a young man rummage through a mobile-phone store after smashing a glass door. "The cause was to prevent police brutality."


Jarris Williams tried unsuccessfully to keep looters from the shop. As they flowed into the liquor store, the 19-year-old bent down on one knee and began to cry as he watched the destruction and theft.
"It's not about personal gain. We wanted to make it look different," he said.
God bless the Wall Street Journal because I did not hear any viewpoint like that quoted in the Post, The Times, CNN or NBC. Until reading that article this morning, I felt alone and weird--like I did as the stupid, outspoken white girl in my college history class.

We have this beautiful prayer in the Catholic Church. We pray an ancient Jewish Psalm that asks God for a day when "Justice and peace kiss each other." That is a prayer, that I'm carrying in my heart today. Please God, let "justice and peace kiss each other in Ferguson, Missouri."

Friday, August 15, 2014

Happy Feast of the Assumption of Mary!


Today is a day of Holy Obligation for Catholics. See you at Mass!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Urgent --Prayers Needed

One of the little goddaughters of my heart earned herself a trip to the NICU this morning. Her parents, Marie and Greg, have gone through so much already--infertility and multiple miscarriages. Now the doctors can't figure out yet what is causing Baby Katharine Therese's serious breathing problems.

I've been praying all day to my Carmelite buddy, Therse of Lisieux, in a bit of a bossy way. "Do not let this child die on a Feast Day of our Lady. Mary healed you with a smile while you were deathly sick. Ask her for a favor today to heal Baby Katharine Therese!"

Please say a prayer for this sweet family.



Where I unbiasedly hope this baby goes to college in 18 years!

But to show Greg that I'm trying to overcome my natural Wisconsin bias, this kid should totally wear this hat on game day.




Wednesday, August 13, 2014

My Most Favorite "Catholic" Mermaid Drawing Ever

Someday I'm totally ordering this print for my daughters' room. It's such a great joke! I love fun art!

Barbie: The Pearl Princess - Digital HD Trailer





My favorite Home School accessory this year is our Barbie "Pearl Princess" CD. Last year, my one year old made teaching school a nightmare. She's one of these super curious PBS kids who could create a mini tornado whenever she was left alone for 20 minutes. In June we went through 5 Redbox videos while driving to the Beach. This movie was on the bottom of the pile. I think it breaks every rule my husband and I have for movie watching. There is immodesty and magic. There is no plot and really annoying music. It's "Barbie." This is the movie choice, I'd never usually grab for my kids--except that my Toddler LOVES this movie! This is her film. There is something about water, and long hair, and dolphins swimming together that equals great entertainment in her eyes. My kid watched this entire film happily after being strapped into her car seat for more than three hours.



While we were school shopping at Target this summer, I happily paid full price for this DVD. It's great to have as a back up. If someone needs me to give them extra tutoring for school and the little girls (4 and 2) are starting to melt down, out comes the Pearl Princess CD.



The thing I've most embraced as the Mother of Six is to become more flexible in my parenting. My husband and I are both media snobs. We read the "good stuff" to our kids and watch "good movies." Yet not all kids movies meet the artistic standard of "Frozen." There is a place in life for "Barbie Pearl Princess". God bless all the animators who worked on this movie because they saved my sanity this Home School Year.