Friday, September 10, 2010

Loss of Control

I'm homesick in my own house tonight.

All of my four children are currently in different states. My three oldest kids are spending two weeks with their grandparents in West Virginia. My youngest daughter is spending the night alone in the NICU in Washington D.C.

I miss my old life. I miss laundry, and cooking, and home-schooling, and going to Starbucks while pregnant and pushing the three year old in the new baby's stroller.

I cried a lot during Mass at my home parish this morning. I'm a mother without any children or any domestic responsibilities for hours each day.

Exactly one week ago, I took a sick baby into the ER. In this week, God asked me to give up control of my life.

I get a little snobby as a Carmelite. I get a little self-satisfied with my lack of money, a lack of a car and a lack of volunteering for 7 million community service committees. "Look how well I'm doing letting go and letting God direct my life," I think.

Then God asks me to give up sleeping in the same house as my four children- for MORE than a week, maybe more than TWO weeks. Ouch!

The concluding song at Mass this morning (which happened to be the Parish School Mass) was a children's song that went "Give It Up, Get It Back" about receiving our good measure flowing over after we sacrifice things to God. This week I gave up each one of my children. I gave up control of my life. God's promise to me is that one day my little domestic church will be returned- all the children in good health and purified by the fire of Faith.


  1. Dear Abigail,

    I don't think there is anything harder for a mother than to be in a crisis and separated from her children. We are praying for you and yours morning and night.


  2. Lifting you in prayer. What a sacrifice you are accepting with such beautiful faith.

  3. I'm adding you and your family to my prayers also.

    God Bless!

  4. I'm just getting caught up. Im sorry this is to hard right now. Praying for you all!

  5. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. My prayers for your family at todays Mass.

  6. You all continue to be in my prayers. Your posts are beautiful and inspiring. May God bless you, your family, and your sweet little Tess. +JMJ+

  7. We will pray for you all again... I thought of you when my 3 year old's demands were so trying today, I was able to be patient due in large part I am sure to all your prayers and sacrifices... As a nursing mommy, I am also praying to Our lady of La Leche to guard and protect your nursing relationship with Tess!!

  8. Thanks for your prayers! Carla, they are awesome about encouraging nursing in the NICU. Breastmilk is "liquid gold" for babies recovering from surgery. I've got my own hospital grade pump, a private pumping room, and a cheerful lactation consultant on staff.

    It's also amazing how pro-big family everyone here is. The lactation consultant is SO happy that this is my fourth baby and I've already got a big milk supply and have experience breastfeeding. I think there are at least 3 kids who are baby number 4 or number 5 for their families. The nurses are always excited about that fact.