Nursing Baby Tess is suddenly not going well. Somehow we slid into the pattern of mostly formula and very little breast milk going into my kid. I'm trying to stay calm. One of the soothing things I tell myself about this post- NICU hiccup is "maybe this is God's way of getting me pregnant again sooner rather than later." I'm all happy with that thought when it's daylight and I'm smiling at my sweet baby's face.
Then it turns 3 AM and I suddenly start thinking "What if God DOES send me another baby soon!"
I start to freak out.
I'm really shaken up after the whole NICU experience.
I want another baby. I'm so in love with each of these unique gems that Mr. Benjamin and I produce. I'm finally unafraid of having another c-section. Or even another miscarriage. Yet, I'm terrified of finding myself back in the NICU.
Being in the NICU made us realize that our cross with Baby Tess was teeny-tiny. We came face to face with babies with serious conditions that made them stuck in the NICU for months upon months. I seriously had no idea that so many things could go wrong with a little baby's body.
So it is really scary to think of climbing on the roller coaster again and having no idea where you'll end up.
I keep trying to fight this panic though, because I know it's not Holy. It's not "of God." The lessons from the NICU should be an increased trust in God. A renewed appreciation for being "the apple of God's eye." After all, the only thing we are supposed to fear is sin. And sickness isn't sin.
I keep coming back to this surprising discovery that saying YES to life is harder the more kids that you have, instead of being easier. As you go along on life's journey, you know more kids who got sick. You've experienced more close calls. There's this tendency to hold yourself back from future hurt and say "Well, so far so good. Let's just get off this fertility roller coaster with 5 kids at age 35 rather than risk anymore heartache by going further."
Somehow that makes saying yes to baby number six-- even more beautiful.