Sunday, December 12, 2010

Keep Saying Yes to God!

Nursing Baby Tess is suddenly not going well. Somehow we slid into the pattern of mostly formula and very little breast milk going into my kid. I'm trying to stay calm. One of the soothing things I tell myself about this post- NICU hiccup is "maybe this is God's way of getting me pregnant again sooner rather than later." I'm all happy with that thought when it's daylight and I'm smiling at my sweet baby's face.

Then it turns 3 AM and I suddenly start thinking "What if God DOES send me another baby soon!"

I start to freak out.

I'm really shaken up after the whole NICU experience.

I want another baby. I'm so in love with each of these unique gems that Mr. Benjamin and I produce. I'm finally unafraid of having another c-section. Or even another miscarriage. Yet, I'm terrified of finding myself back in the NICU.

Being in the NICU made us realize that our cross with Baby Tess was teeny-tiny. We came face to face with babies with serious conditions that made them stuck in the NICU for months upon months. I seriously had no idea that so many things could go wrong with a little baby's body.

So it is really scary to think of climbing on the roller coaster again and having no idea where you'll end up.

I keep trying to fight this panic though, because I know it's not Holy. It's not "of God." The lessons from the NICU should be an increased trust in God. A renewed appreciation for being "the apple of God's eye." After all, the only thing we are supposed to fear is sin. And sickness isn't sin.

I keep coming back to this surprising discovery that saying YES to life is harder the more kids that you have, instead of being easier. As you go along on life's journey, you know more kids who got sick. You've experienced more close calls. There's this tendency to hold yourself back from future hurt and say "Well, so far so good. Let's just get off this fertility roller coaster with 5 kids at age 35 rather than risk anymore heartache by going further."

Somehow that makes saying yes to baby number six-- even more beautiful.

6 comments:

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

perfect :)

Anonymous said...

When I get anxious about the future I try to repeat to myself "One day at a time", living the present moment is really a blessing for me because God is with me here and now.

Alishia said...

This is how I feel when my son sleeps for five hours at a stretch at night: "Crap, my fertility will return and I'll have another!" Isn't that an awful way to feel about such a blessing? Yes, in the long run, but in the short run sometimes it's all so overwhelming.

karyn said...

I am very much with you. I sort of laughed out loud when you said you're okay with the idea of number five in the daytime but not so much at night - that's exactly how I feel. In the daytime I'm very open to just leaving it all up to God but at nighttime, when thinking about handling a fifth one so soon...I panic. And I've been blessed with easy labors and healthy babies and I still worry that way. I just keep praying to God for trust and grace but it does help to know others feel the same.

Carla said...

And for some of us the challenge is tandem nursing a 3 and 1 year old, feeling like we can get nothing done and having little personal time or space... So amazing how the Lord knows exactly what each of us needs to be sanctified!

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for this- I could relate to so much. The blissful ignorance of your first pregnancy is certainly absent in (my) fourth - you know more sick kids as you said, you're tired and overwhelmed.. Let your will, not mine, be done Lord.
Ana