Sunday, March 18, 2012

Weathering the Storm

72 hours until my c-section. I went over some sort of mental "trip wire" when I hit the one week mark before the baby's birth day. There was a lot of grief and sadness. I'm not sure why. I was so hopeful that I might go into labor on my own with this baby--even if that still meant another c-section, the element of "surprise" or "naturalness" lessened my anxiety.

Now it looks pretty clear that Wednesday, March 21 at 9:15 AM is the time.

I've got waves of anxiety coming over me.

The clear pictures of my beautiful, supernaturally healed womb are a huge comfort to me. I'm not walking around dreading that I'm going to die on the operating table, or that my baby is going to end up in the NICU. (Considering my past history over 4 c-sections this is a vast improvement!)

It's more like this pouting, sulking feeling.

I just don't want to do it.

I don't want to go into the hospital. I don't want to deal with the grouchy nurses. I don't want all the pokes in the arm, or the scary feelings in the OR or the embarrassment of peeing in a catheter.

I wish somehow they could just hand me my daughter, wrapped up in a swaddling cloth, and let us go home.

But... I'm trying to wrap my head around this concept of accepting my suffering.

I know that we are at a time of real crisis over contraception, the female sex, and the Catholic Church. And in my heart of hearts, I've got to admit that the feminist critics are not crazy for wanting to avoid having a fifth child. It's totally supernatural to be open to life. It is a gift of the Holy Spirit. Right now I'm battling very natural fears over child-birth, breast-feeding, having a potential sick or disabled newborn and just the fear in general of "biting off more than I can chew" by having 5 kids under age 10 in my house. It's only God who can transport me from my natural fears to trust in His supernatural grace.

I could spend hours arguing about "pro-life issues" on my blog. Or posting petitions on Facebook. Or staying up all hours at Adoration to make Reparation for Sinners.

Or I could have a daughter.

A fourth daughter.

Another "useless" girl that China and India are busy aborting in mass. Or America is busy contracepting or "morning after pill taking" out of existence.

I've got 72 hours to keep myself calm while the Devil does his best to rattle my cage.

It's a good thing my dear Benjamin babies are so cute.


9 comments:

Being Refined said...

Lifting you in prayer during your time of anxiety! Life is hard and we are often asked to do hard things. But with Gods help you can do this.

When I was experiencing spiritual warfare and lots of anxiety, my priest told me to 'kick stan in the teeth and laugh at him'. Just picturing this brings a smile to my face... I hope it does to yours too.

Little JoAnn said...

You are in my prayers ALL WEEK.

St. Joseph pray for my dear friend.

Protect her heart and give her anticipation that is filled with excitement, innocence, and joy!

Baby girl is on her way!

And, she is going to be SO LOVED.

She already is.

Amazing Life said...

You got this, the Holy Spirit is flowing peacefully in your heart and washing away the fear!!!

You are a light in a dark world and your beautiful daughter is going to make your family's light that much brighter!

Praying for a safe and healthy delivery & baby, a happy hospital experience, and continued peace for your heart!

Blair said...

I'll be praying for you this week! Can't wait to see your beautiful girl!

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I love your honesty, your heart and your goodness. What a blessed little girl. I cannot wait till you introduce her to the world! Praying for you, dear friend!!

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

Oh I remember all too well having feelings so similar. At this point it's all about peaceful surrender and prayer of course. I always tell my husband "just tell me everything's gonna be fine, even if you don't believe it, because...eventually, it will." (I might add that he does loose a tad of credibility when I have to tell him to tell me something but I get over it.)

Smoochagator said...

I am praying for you and your dearest little one!

Abigail said...

Thanks for the prayer support!

This morning is such a busy time of getting seven people ready for a one week hotel/hospital stay that it's keeping my mind off of my anxiety.

Burbank Homestead said...

Prayers for you and your family. If you don't mind me asking, why do you "have" to have a c-section? If they are worried about rupture due to previous c-sections those are extremely rare. Birth Without Fear has some great articles on VBAC. Sorry if I've overstepped, I just felt really called to bring this up.

Can't wait to see pics of the little one however she is born!