I'm pre-engaged to Jesus.
It's embarrassing to talk about, because its so ridiculous. I'm like one of those silly, baby girls from Medieval Europe who a Queen (my Mother-in-law Mommy Mary) plucked out of her cradle and arranged to marry her son. The Court looks at the future Princess's sinful immaturity and sneers "she's the one who is going to marry our Dauphin?"
Yes, me. Gentle reader, even me.
Hope you are going to marry Him too.
So its strange to feel this as a happily married woman of 37, a women with 5 children --but the hardest part about the virtue of chastity is the ...WAITING.
I'm waiting for Him.
I'm looking past my earthly marriage, with all the joys and the warm kisses, and special dances in the living room with my tall husband Jon---
I'm filled with a desire that can only be filled by HIM.
My future spiritual marriage with Jesus.
I'm in this lonely, awkward in between time.
I'm not in the world anymore--or at least I'm trying hard to detach from it. I'm not chasing down fame and hoping to go back to the world of jobs and a career. I'm not waiting for more money, so I can rehab my dirty kitchen or build a new green house in the back yard. Yet I'm not "in union" enough with the Holy Spirit to feel totally fulfilled doing the humble "wife" work of cooking meatloaf for dinner and ironing my husband's work shirts.
I'm just in this "nothing" void of waiting for Him.
It's a hard, bittersweet place to be. I feel like it is taking us so, so long to come together. It almost feels sometimes hopeless or impossible. Yet sometimes, He consoles me. I heard this "wanted" song and it was so reassuring. It's Jesus singing to my soul--reminding me about how its going to be when we are married. I love the lyric "Anyone can tell you you're pretty. You get that all the time. But your beauty is deeper than the make-up and I want to show you what I see tonight!"
It's poetic lines like that--from pop songs, or St. John of the Cross poems, that remind me that even though the waiting is hard--marriage to HIM is well worth the wait.