I'm horribly insecure as a Mother. This is supposed to be the most important job in the world. I so often have no idea what I'm doing. As soon as I do master a new skill set, a new rhythm, a new budget--then along comes another monkey wrench.
I can deal with the bumps in the road with humility--or I can start freaking out and try to grab control of the situation. Almost always my little attempts to regain control make my life (and the life of my family members) go from slightly off-kilter to wildly chaotic in a matter of hours.
The mother is the heart of the family. There is a lot of pressure to try and keep my heartbeat relaxed and steady during the Day Light Hours.
Underneath all this insecurity is probably a lack of realistic expectations of myself as a Mother. My internal ideas of "what I'm supposed to be doing" change frequently. I didn't grow up in a Catholic home. Current American culture is bereft of healthy role-models. But I've got to say, my parish isn't really overflowing with healthy Mother role-models either. For example, I'm really hard pressed to come up with an "in real life example" of a Mother who is joyful. There are many Catholic mothers who I admire for their excellent Martha qualities. Not so many who exhibit her sister Mary's qualities.
My husband and I were chatting about what a "realistic" Mother would look like in today world. I think his definition was someone who God loved. To Jon (a Carmelite) when God loves someone he gives her (1) limited money, (2) real crosses (real ones not fake drama crosses), (3) supernatural joy in the middle of those crosses.
That means the heroes I should start to look for are not the Mothers who look "together"--because that is a worldly standard, but a Mother who has real peace in the middle of suffering.
St. Margaret of Scotland, pray for me.
