I want to talk about this "fear" of children. We live in a culture where it is increasingly normal to be living with a man and not get married. Or if married, to not have children. Or if you have two children to stop firmly at that line because "any more will drive my wife crazy."
People talk about certain women as being "anti-child" as if it's a lighthearted issue. It's a preference like "some women like to shop" and some women like to go to art museums.
As someone who spent my teens and twenties terrified of having children--it didn't feel like a "choice to me." I thought I couldn't be a mother. Sometimes I thought I'd physically be infertile, but mostly I thought I'd be really, really awful as a mother. I thought I was broken inside. I thought being someone's Mom was just something I couldn't do.
So something that I "couldn't do" quickly became something that I shouldn't do.
I endured some crazy, crazy emotional abuse as a kid. Parts of mothering came easier to me than I expected, but other parts that I thought should be easy to do, are hard. It's work. And it's embarrassing that it's work--rather than this la la easy lifestyle I imagine (probably falsely) that other women experience.
Yet, I am on my knees grateful that I have my babies. They are saving my soul. They are saving my marriage. They have made me go from this hollow person--to an actually feeling, giving, shiny soul. My husband and my relationship is so much better with each and every kid--it's hard to go back in time and remember what our marriage was like before I had Baby Abigail. Our marriage is that much better this winter.
St Paul tells us to "encourage each other daily while it is still today."
A mother is not "born" automatically whenever her first child is born. Motherhood is a spiritual reality--a gift each day from God. I only got over my fear of 'pregnancy' (which was really a deep seeded fear that I'd be a bad mother) because obedience to the Catholic Church demanded that I give up birth control. I am forever grateful to the Catholic Church for that teaching.
7 comments:
Thanks for this post! I have been struggling with the fears of being a bad mom and the physical hardship of pregnancy. I have even thought that I would be a bad mom or my body cannot handle childbirth and that this maybe the reason for our infertility. God has been working on me and bringing this to the surface, so thank you for this post. I know that if God does allow me to have children on this earth that HE will give me the grace to do the task he calls me to. On a side note: I like your "unpopular" thoughts :)
Great post! They demand every day that I become a Saint! Painful... LOL
Thanks, your writing always encourages me so much! You remind me of myself, but I am at the very beginning of your journey. I just became Catholic in April, and then immediately got pregnant (that's how this Catholic thing works, right?). I'm expecting my first child next month and I'm scared, but trying to fight this "fear of children" that is so pervasive. It doesn't help that lots of the parents I talk to will only tell me negative things about children, and I work in such a secular atmosphere where a large proportion of people are deliberately childless and seem to abhor children. It's sort of baffling why these people would lay all this negativity on a pregnant lady and try to make her fear her own child! It's like they're trying to save me from being too optimistic and falling into the trap of thinking that everything will be peaches and rainbows after the baby is born. In reality, growing up in a culture where abortion is common and children are seen only as loud nuisances who drain your bank account and keep you from doing whatever you want (the world's formula for happiness) makes it very hard to be optimistic about a baby! I just wanted to thank you because your posts help combat all that negativity I encounter all the time and see things in a Catholic perspective.
Abigail and LibGnome, I deleted my prior comment. I feel horrible. I am so so sorry. I should never have published it. LibGnome, if you get comments via email, please know I'm so so sorry. Unfortunately it's been a rough week and I didn't think before hitting publish. Oh, I'm mortified.
Please forgive me.
Rebecca--lighten up! We're allowed to make mistakes here. This is healthy blog! :-)
LibGnome...I'm so sorry! That is why I stick to my Catholic girlfriends! Children are very hard. Very hard, but every single day isn't hard. Moments are...The ones where you are called to die to self. That is my biggest hurdle....I'm navigating how to joyfully serve the demands of little ones. ;)
I had a lady TELL me the other day in the grocery store, oh two little girls, now you are all done! It was sad, I told her - No when God says we are done, we will be done.
Anyway, it is very hard to ward of the mentality of contraception even if you do not contracept. But even on the very worse of MY days, not my children's, I would say YES to each of them. Every single day, every single minute, even when I fail.
Yes, yes, yes! Certainly, it is frightening, but they are so beautiful! Like Abigail, they are saving me from the very depths of hell......
Wait til they place that little one in your arms! Heaven on earth.......
Welcome to the church! :)
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