Things are getting better. I had a really awesome conversation with the Vice-President of Ethics at my local Catholic Hospital. I'm seriously amazed at how one honest conversation with a stranger can be so healing. God is in the details.
We talked about some really gruesome things. I don't think this will happen to me, but there is a chance that if my baby weighs a certain amount it triggers an automatic need for a state required autopsy. I was shocked by my reaction. I could handle those messy details. I'm strong. I can handle difficult conversations about my miscarriage.
Our talk was really affirming to me. I felt affirmed that I'm not anti-science. I'm not anti-medical intervention. I'm an educated, thoughtful woman. I'm also a woman of deep faith. Those two aspects of my personality can co-exist easily in the same conversation. I felt more empowered after our talk.
I feel more clear about identifying my emotional needs. Tomorrow I go to my OB for another appointment. My doctor would like to wait a full three weeks before further medical intervention. Usually that idea of "nature is best" is appealing to me. But if things are still not progressing tomorrow, I feel strong about advocating for an induction. I know my body. I know my heart. This option of going to a warm, local hospital to have this miscarriage could be a positive outcome for me.
This morning I took care of Halloween shopping which is a major area of importance in our artistic family. I grabbed the last size 10 Iron Man costume for Alex at Target. Finding the right super hero custom in the right size, at almost the right price was an unexpected gift.
Tonight I'm going my CODA meeting and then out to coffee with friends. In recovery we say "One day at a time." Sometimes in this grief walk with miscarriage, I feel like it's "one hour at a time." Grace is real. I'm grateful for all the kind emails I've received from friends online. I'm grateful for all the kind hugs I've received from friends in person. I feel supported. I feel resilient. There will some tough moments to get through next week. Right now, in this hour, I have strong hope.