Friday, October 4, 2013

Tears Are Good for Me Too

I have a situation in my life that makes me cry. Last night, I cried all the way to my CODA meeting. I cried during my CODA meeting. I cried on the way home. When I got home, I drew a gentle boundary around myself. I told Jon that I wasn't upset with him, but that I couldn't talk about my situation anymore tonight. I wanted to curl up in my bed and go to sleep.

I have a kind and respectful husband. He encouraged me to eat dinner at 8:30 PM. We talked a little around the edges of my problem. I agreed that I have a tendency to be a tad hard on myself. I chased the kids off of Cartoon Network and emptied my bedroom of people. I changed into my pajamas.

I surprised myself because at 9 PM I felt better. After two and half hours of crying, I felt peaceful. I felt hopeful. I got some good advice at my CODA meeting. I shocked that this program works. I've spent my whole life avoiding feeling my negative feelings. I've spent a lifetime in my head intellectualizing problems and "being a pro-active problem solver." Last night, I went into a room with strangers and I felt real grief. After it was done, no one gave me "advice" on how to fix my problem. I got some gentle hugs, instead.

At 9 PM last night, I felt happy. I didn't have the urge to go shopping. I didn't have the urge to pick apart my situation in my head. I didn't have the urge to research obsessively on the internet. Instead, I  watched a crummy TV show. I kissed my husband after he put our kids to bed. Then I went to sleep.

I'm so grateful for recovery. I'm hopeful that life at 40 is going to rock!