I read a child-rearing philosophy in the middle of an interesting autobiography that made my heart clench. These are "good people." They inspired a famous movie. They go to church. They "walk the walk." I like them. I'm sure most of my readers do too.
In their own words they talk about their parenting philosophy for toddlers.
"We were very strict: we practiced zero tolerance. If you asked (the Mom) what her parenting style was, she'd say, "Fear and repetition." There was no right or wrong to it--it was just our personal philosophy that strictness at a young age would preempt a lot of problems later.
We believed our children were capable of learning obedience as early as eighteen months. We taught them a few non-negotiable rules as preventative measures....
In our house, we never put anything up out of our kids' reach. We left the Limoges boxes and other knicknacks out. We didn't want to clear all the objects from the coffee tables and hide them from the children. With each child, it took several weeks of constant attention, and we spanked their little hands until they were red, but they learned not to disturb anything in the living room. "*
Reading that last sentence caused me to suck in my breathe. I'm a Mother who has spent many, many years with a toddler under her care. (May the good Lord give me many more.) I can think of three different relatives who flew into uncontrollable rages over my toddler acting curious in their living room. One person lost control in anger when I asked him/her to move a glass bowl to a higher shelf. One person flipped out because I let my toddler play with a plastic apple (not realizing that it had "special meaning" and could be "destroyed" by my nincompoop of a toddler.)
One incident that really stands out is when my 13 month old son figured out how to push the "off" button to a TV during a Redskin football game. My grandfather lost it with me. He became crazy angry. One of the reasons I remember it so clearly is because during his long, violent rant with me about how "out of control"and disrespectful my young son was to him, my grandfather was holding the TV remote in his hand!
I remember thinking, "You can just push the "on" switch right now with your thumb and this problem is fixed! We don't need to have a 20 minute discussion over what a horrible son I have."
So while I was on the receiving end of this rage for my toddler "badness", I kept thinking that these three different people were making this stuff up in their heads. I mean, you can't discipline a 13 month old kid. You just pick them up after they turn off the TV, and say "Why don't you come play over here Honey."
So when I read this passage in the autobiography I thought, "Oh, this is an actual child rearing philosophy." What I assumed was just some random pattern made up inside's someone's head--does actually exist in practice in some families.
So here is the deal--I'm not doing this childrearing philosophy.
I'm a Mom and this is not going on in my house.
The reason why this is important, is that I run into this child rearing philosophy all the time at Daily Mass. It's the old people. It's the young people. It's the middle age people. There are all kinds of people that I run into that I'm a horrible Mother because I'm not "spanking my toddlers hands red for weeks" whenever they do something that causes difficulty to some adult.
I'm fed up. I'm not going to feel guilty or conciliatory anymore. I'm going to take that scorn on the chin for my kids, and the kids (Religious Ed & Cub Scouts) that are under my care. I take the scorn, as the adult in charge, so they don't have to absorb it.
Here is the deal. I practice "the middle way." Our church sanctuary is Mary's beautiful parlor. There are precious things that can't be touched such as "The Tabernacle." There are moments of Holy Silence, such as the Consecration during Mass.
My job as a parent is to slowly and carefully teach my children reverence to these Holy Objects and Holy Moments in the Mass. I do not believe this happens within 16 seconds of a child during 18 months old. I'm not a permissive Mother--who lets toddler children run up the aisle for fun during Adoration because "she's a free spirit and doesn't Mommy Mary enjoy it". But I'm not stupidly strict, refusing to ever bring a toddler to Adoration even for 2 minutes because I'm afraid of embarrassing stares from people who are supposed to be experiencing an inner dialogue with Jesus, the Lord or Lords.
The middle way.
There are horribly, horribly anti-child sentiments inside many normal Catholic parishes. There should be no big 'shock' as to why adults don't practice their Faith, because we don't do a great job of nourishing their faith as kids. We either feed them Cotton Candy Theology (all fluff) in Religious Ed--or no kidding--a Religious Ed teach complained to me last year that "kids today are so ill-prepared because 5th graders can't read well enough to pronounce the Old Testament Prophets names right on the first try!" So too loose-goosey sucks. Too strict sucks.
The middle way.
Lord, I'm happy to take scorn on the chin if it means honoring you as the infant Jesus.
****
(footnote: this quote is from "In A Heartbeat: Sharing the Power of Cheerful Giving, by Leigh Anne Tuohy and Sean Tuohy--the couple who adopted an inner-city black teenager and were featured in the great movie "The Blind Side". I'm not trying to rip on the Tuohys. I think they did a great act of Charity. This self-description of their child rearing philosophy is typical of many, many people I see in Catholic church. I'm not trying to change "them." I'm trying to make peace that as a Mother of young toddlers, I'm going to run into this judgement that "your young children are wrong and you are at fault." I'm telling God that I'm making peace with taking that hit inside of church, rather than insisting that my kids be "perfect" before taking them to church.
13 comments:
One thing you are missing is that the Tuohys are from the South. People spank in the South! ;)
I was going to say what Sew did. My husband is the second of eight children, born and raised in Baton Rouge, LA. Spanking is just what they do in raising their kids. Even now, it's just the norm. My husband's best friend has several children, and even his cousins raising kids (they all still live there) "whipping butts" is just how it is. I have to say, though, you still hear a lot of "yes ma'am" and "yes sir", which I personally think is fantastic. But yeah, it's a different culture down there.
I think you think they spanked in uncontrollable rage....is that what I'm understanding from your take on that blurb in their book?
The passage Abigail quoted was "spanked their toddlers hands red for weeks"...
Whether they did it in rage or not is not the issue...
That they slapped a toddlers hand over and over and over and over and over and over daily for Weeks seems to be the style Abigail wishes to not use in her parenting...
Carla
Gotcha, thanks for clarifying! ;)
I do agree with everything you said. I haven't been reading your blog for that long, but I often wonder about your parish, is it mainly made of the elderly who have little patience? From your posts, it seems like an almost entirely spiritually dead place. Is there no one there but your family who has a rich interior life and is constantly struggling to accept and be worthy of God's grace? It seems as if your entire experience of this parish is a negative, spiritually damaging one. If this is not so, it would be interesting to hear some of the positive things about your parish community.
Oh, that's terrible. Sometimes I think we just don't allow our kids to be kids.
But please remember that there are a lot of us in the Catholic Church who like how you are parenting. Unfortunately, we don't make much of an impact. I know my smile at church probably isn't as memorable as the person who says something nasty. But we are there, smiling at you maybe when you can't even see it. I LOVE to see the kids at mass!
Yeah Carla, this has nothing to do with spanking. These parents talked about hitting their kids until their hands were red for several weeks--in ORDER for the toddler to not touch a fragile box on the coffee table that "they didn't feel like moving."
This is the problem.
We're not talking about spanking a toddler for running out into the middle of a street or for biting his newborn sister.
We're causing major physical harm because a child is an "inconvenience" in his own living room.
Yeah, Ann--when I go to Daily Mass, I'm usually the only Mom there. I need to drive to a Homeschool Parish sometime for a little R & R.
Oh, and I appreciate the smiles. I get MANY of them. I think its just in my nature to be fearful of disapproval, so I tend to flee from Daily Mass for weeks after a bad run-in. This is me telling Jesus, OK--I will face scorn better in 2013 in order to get to more Daily Masses. I sure do love receiving you in the Eucharist.
I completely agree and am greatful for such a well articulated post that I can now refer people to if I need to. I adore your blog by the way, never stop writing!!
A child, home schooling friendly parish is key. I've had many mornings with a random child who decided not to behave or what not, and it makes all the difference when you see another mom there with her kids send you an encouraging glance to keep on keeping on. One day Stephanie and I each had a rowdy child, and after mass we laughed, hugged and she replied "hey, we are here. That's all that matters!"
I don't know that I know of anyone with such a strict parenting philosophy.
From my experience, I came at motherhood, similar to you, Abigail, with more of an example of what not to do than what should be done. So I've been feeling my footing a great deal since day 1. I have a threefold philosophy on parenting: 1- Love them the best that you can and leave the rest to God, 2 - Remember that children are human beings, persons, as imperfect as you are and it can be very insightful to consider the world from the child's perspective to understand how they are seeing things and 3 - Remember that you, as a parent, are the first representative of God to your children and have a responsibility to be both the a guide and beacon of truth and goodness but also a model of gentleness, patience and mercy; gentle but firm.
I think all three of those fall into your "middle way" and the middle way can be challenging… each moment requires discernment, caution and prayer, but I think it is the most God-like and the most rewarding.
I have to wonder if those who adopt this "I'm not adjusting my life for a child" philosophy are forgetting a few things: first, God came as a child, and every Christmas He asks us to adjust our lives for Him. Second, they were once a child too. And, third, by, within reason, dying to ourselves for a child, we are learning how to live less for ourselves and more for the most innocent, the most vulnerable, as Christ did. If someone had told me, almost 7 years ago when my first was born, how much of my day would revolve around sacrificing myself for others, I would have never believed I would be capable of doing it. But, while I still do it very imperfectly, children call us out of ourselves in a way few others can and mine are training me very well and with more forgiveness and tenderness than I could have asked for.
Spanking a kid's hand till it's red just because you don't want to move a box?? A 20 minute rant because the toddler pressed the power button on the remote that you were holding??? Good grief, some people are beyond unreasonable!
I want to echo what Brenda said about your parish - it seems like you only ever post negative things about it. Maybe you're just venting and that's OK. But if it really is that bad all the time, then I'm worried about your spiritual health and that of your little ones. Yes, part of being a Christian is enduring some scorn, but if these people only dish out scorn and never one bit of support or encouragement, maybe you should explore other parishes. Just a thought.
Post a Comment