Monday, March 12, 2012
What Excuse NOT to Love are You Going to Stop Using This Lent
Advice from the Franciscan Friars at Friday Mass last week. That quote hit me in the heart. I'm going to stop saying "I''m 37 weeks pregnant!" I'm actually trying my best to keep up on all my mothering tasks despite having a huge belly. Shockingly I'm a) in a better mood and b) have more energy then when I used my pregnancy as an excuse to retreat to the couch the second my husband walked in the door.
From the Files--2004
The nesting instinct has encouraged me to thin out my old writing files. I found this funny gem from when I was just starting back to creative writing again at age 30.
"Writing Fears
(a huge bunch of fears numbered 1 to 10)
11. I'm really, really trite. All I can write about is God and stuff."
(That fear made me laugh out loud today!)
"Writing Fears
(a huge bunch of fears numbered 1 to 10)
11. I'm really, really trite. All I can write about is God and stuff."
(That fear made me laugh out loud today!)
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Heartbreaker--The MovieGoer
Great date night movie from the "instant Netflix" line. This is a hilarious French romantic comedy. Jon and I said we haven't enjoyed a movie like this in so long. Adorable main character, funny situations, and plot twists that keep you hooked until the very end.
The Hidden Fights of a Home-schooling Mother
Life is crazy. I suffered a massive anxiety attack about my upcoming fifth c-section all last week. Pity my husband and my children who took the brunt of my resulting stressful, angry outbursts. It was ugly time at the Benjamin house.
At 7 AM on Saturday, I woke up crying because "my life sucks." I made everyone in my house miserable at breakfast with my ugly mood. At 9:30 AM, I plunked myself down in my little blue canvas chair at a local school gym (because my overly pregnant body can't handle sitting down normally on a wood floor). I watched my 4 year old practice her soccer drills. I was totally multi-tasking. I helped my daughter figure out how to keep a soccer ball in bounds, while reading the long "to do list" inside my son's new Cub Scout Handbook. (My son and husband happily joined the Cub Scouts in March and there are many assignments for him to finish by the Tiger Cub graduation ceremony in May).
I was working hard when suddenly, this supernatural answer to the struggle I was experiencing over my upcoming hospital stay came to me. The peace I felt was sudden and dramatic. I felt like Mommy Mary actually released a tense knot in my heart.
I felt good for about seven hours.
Then the Devil changed tactics. I couldn't believe it! The same day I finally got straight about my over-the-top c-section fear, the Evil One leans into my other Achilles heel--homeschooling.
I went to Best Buy on Saturday Night because we are having on going issues with our old computer. (Which is probably God's way of telling me "Get the kids off the computer for Lent". But of course, I'm too thick headed to stop actively work on fixing this problem, because how am I supposed to survive the last 10 days of pregnancy without the free babysitting services of computer games and Netflix videos?)
In the Geek Squad line, I run into another Homeschooling Mom fighting a computer virus. I'm relaxed with this stranger. We're chatting. I'm asking questions because this is my first time doing the "status review" in the State of West Virginia. Before I know it, Home Schooling Mom has me locked in a eyeball to eyeball battle telling me one fearful fact after another about the home-school review process in my new home-town. If you were a bystander, you couldn't tell that our conversation had suddenly turned hostile. But trust me, I recognized it right away.
Have you ever found yourself suddenly plunged into a conversation so emotionally painful you think "an actual knife fight would be easier to deal with than this?"
I came out of Best Buy shaking in my tiny black flats.
Shoot. Prior to this scary conversation, I had calmly and rationally decided that this March we are taking a break from major home-schooling work. I need to concentrate on having a new baby. We're going to trust that we have plenty of time to iron out any remaining knowledge gaps before my review process in late June. It seems pretty clear that when you are ten days away from child-birth it needs to be "baby first, home-schooling and all other daily family responsibility things a distant second."
But the Devil doesn't want me to be calm. He wants me to be scared and worried. He wants me to think that this sweet unborn baby is sucking necessary education experiences from my older children, leaving them in a permanently harmed by my lack of hyper-focus on their home-schooling experience.
So here is my attack plan for getting this fear-provoking home-schooling conversation out of my head tonight.
1. Trust Jesus
Home-schooling was NOT my idea. Having five children in less than 9 years was NOT my idea. This is all "His plan" for my life. So far, following His plan for my life, rather than my own vain ambitions have worked out pretty well. I might not know exactly how breast-feeding a newborn while teaching two kids how to read better is going to work out in practice--but there is no reason to doubt that things could be fine. Jesus has done too many wonderful things in my life to suddenly doubt that He'd drop me now over the more mundane parts of my motherhood vocation.
2. Seizing Control Doesn't Work
I have run into too many Moms that are way to "hyper" about home-schooling. I don't blame them, but I don't need to follow their example, either. For me personally, home-schooling is an important part of my vocation as a wife and mother--but it's not the "only thing" and it's not even the most important thing. Right now, my focus is on growing Baby Clare, getting a genuine smile on my lips to greet my husband when he comes home from work, keeping a toddler out of physical danger, and attempting to get some type of meal regularly in my young children's bodies.
Some days I get to teaching "formal" school activities. Some days I don't.
This process of "doing my best" each day, is unnerving. I wish I had a reassuring check-a-box plan. I wish I had reassurance from outside experts that my kids were all progressing "normally." I wish the day wasn't mostly about life-long discipline issues such as "in this house we do not hit our sisters whenever they become annoying" or "in this house we brush our teeth each and every day." I wish there was more uncluttered time to listen to my eight year old read the Box Car children without a crabby baby waking up from her nap early from teething pain.
Yet spending hours coming up with a fake "I'm in charge home-schooling plan" for the next month is totally useless. Whatever plan I come up with is getting tossed out the window when a newborn enters into our house. I need to save my strength to do something important--like getting the new infant car seat installed in our minivan!
3. Practice Detachment
In the end, I don't have total control over the results of this home-schooling year. My kids might do outstanding on the reviews. Or the reviewer might decide that something I thought was a minor omission is critical and must be completely rectified by September.
I need to remember that the effort I put into home-schooling is for God alone. It's an act of charity. One of the beautiful hymns at my Carmelite Investiture Ceremony went "When I was little, you taught me to read."
Man, let me tell you it is hard work to teach some little kids how to read! Kissing lepers sometimes seems easy in comparison!
As long as I'm doing my daily work as a wife and mother "in Him, with Him, and through Him." I do not need to obsess over RESULTS!
Thanks for reading the rants of a pregnant lady!
Prayer: Jesus, I trust in you!
At 7 AM on Saturday, I woke up crying because "my life sucks." I made everyone in my house miserable at breakfast with my ugly mood. At 9:30 AM, I plunked myself down in my little blue canvas chair at a local school gym (because my overly pregnant body can't handle sitting down normally on a wood floor). I watched my 4 year old practice her soccer drills. I was totally multi-tasking. I helped my daughter figure out how to keep a soccer ball in bounds, while reading the long "to do list" inside my son's new Cub Scout Handbook. (My son and husband happily joined the Cub Scouts in March and there are many assignments for him to finish by the Tiger Cub graduation ceremony in May).
I was working hard when suddenly, this supernatural answer to the struggle I was experiencing over my upcoming hospital stay came to me. The peace I felt was sudden and dramatic. I felt like Mommy Mary actually released a tense knot in my heart.
I felt good for about seven hours.
Then the Devil changed tactics. I couldn't believe it! The same day I finally got straight about my over-the-top c-section fear, the Evil One leans into my other Achilles heel--homeschooling.
I went to Best Buy on Saturday Night because we are having on going issues with our old computer. (Which is probably God's way of telling me "Get the kids off the computer for Lent". But of course, I'm too thick headed to stop actively work on fixing this problem, because how am I supposed to survive the last 10 days of pregnancy without the free babysitting services of computer games and Netflix videos?)
In the Geek Squad line, I run into another Homeschooling Mom fighting a computer virus. I'm relaxed with this stranger. We're chatting. I'm asking questions because this is my first time doing the "status review" in the State of West Virginia. Before I know it, Home Schooling Mom has me locked in a eyeball to eyeball battle telling me one fearful fact after another about the home-school review process in my new home-town. If you were a bystander, you couldn't tell that our conversation had suddenly turned hostile. But trust me, I recognized it right away.
Have you ever found yourself suddenly plunged into a conversation so emotionally painful you think "an actual knife fight would be easier to deal with than this?"
I came out of Best Buy shaking in my tiny black flats.
Shoot. Prior to this scary conversation, I had calmly and rationally decided that this March we are taking a break from major home-schooling work. I need to concentrate on having a new baby. We're going to trust that we have plenty of time to iron out any remaining knowledge gaps before my review process in late June. It seems pretty clear that when you are ten days away from child-birth it needs to be "baby first, home-schooling and all other daily family responsibility things a distant second."
But the Devil doesn't want me to be calm. He wants me to be scared and worried. He wants me to think that this sweet unborn baby is sucking necessary education experiences from my older children, leaving them in a permanently harmed by my lack of hyper-focus on their home-schooling experience.
So here is my attack plan for getting this fear-provoking home-schooling conversation out of my head tonight.
1. Trust Jesus
Home-schooling was NOT my idea. Having five children in less than 9 years was NOT my idea. This is all "His plan" for my life. So far, following His plan for my life, rather than my own vain ambitions have worked out pretty well. I might not know exactly how breast-feeding a newborn while teaching two kids how to read better is going to work out in practice--but there is no reason to doubt that things could be fine. Jesus has done too many wonderful things in my life to suddenly doubt that He'd drop me now over the more mundane parts of my motherhood vocation.
2. Seizing Control Doesn't Work
I have run into too many Moms that are way to "hyper" about home-schooling. I don't blame them, but I don't need to follow their example, either. For me personally, home-schooling is an important part of my vocation as a wife and mother--but it's not the "only thing" and it's not even the most important thing. Right now, my focus is on growing Baby Clare, getting a genuine smile on my lips to greet my husband when he comes home from work, keeping a toddler out of physical danger, and attempting to get some type of meal regularly in my young children's bodies.
Some days I get to teaching "formal" school activities. Some days I don't.
This process of "doing my best" each day, is unnerving. I wish I had a reassuring check-a-box plan. I wish I had reassurance from outside experts that my kids were all progressing "normally." I wish the day wasn't mostly about life-long discipline issues such as "in this house we do not hit our sisters whenever they become annoying" or "in this house we brush our teeth each and every day." I wish there was more uncluttered time to listen to my eight year old read the Box Car children without a crabby baby waking up from her nap early from teething pain.
Yet spending hours coming up with a fake "I'm in charge home-schooling plan" for the next month is totally useless. Whatever plan I come up with is getting tossed out the window when a newborn enters into our house. I need to save my strength to do something important--like getting the new infant car seat installed in our minivan!
3. Practice Detachment
In the end, I don't have total control over the results of this home-schooling year. My kids might do outstanding on the reviews. Or the reviewer might decide that something I thought was a minor omission is critical and must be completely rectified by September.
I need to remember that the effort I put into home-schooling is for God alone. It's an act of charity. One of the beautiful hymns at my Carmelite Investiture Ceremony went "When I was little, you taught me to read."
Man, let me tell you it is hard work to teach some little kids how to read! Kissing lepers sometimes seems easy in comparison!
As long as I'm doing my daily work as a wife and mother "in Him, with Him, and through Him." I do not need to obsess over RESULTS!
Thanks for reading the rants of a pregnant lady!
Prayer: Jesus, I trust in you!
Sacrament of the Sick
Hurrah! I received the Sacrament of the Sick at my local parish this morning. Every time I receive this Sacrament new things jump out for me. Today the meaningful words were:
When our Sister is afraid,
Give her Courage
When she is afflicted
Give her Patience
When she feels alone,
Assure her of your support.
Unborn Baby Clare got a special blessing today too! Father P really stressed "health" for Clare, over and over again. I wasn't sure if this was a real formal prayer that was written down, or after hearing about big Sister's dramatic stay in the NICU, that Father P wanted to make sure to give the Lord a clear request for a healthy newborn this time around.
I just though it was humorous. We'll happily welcome Baby Clare "in sickness OR in health." But it can't hurt to strongly request that she comes to us in perfect health!
When our Sister is afraid,
Give her Courage
When she is afflicted
Give her Patience
When she feels alone,
Assure her of your support.
Unborn Baby Clare got a special blessing today too! Father P really stressed "health" for Clare, over and over again. I wasn't sure if this was a real formal prayer that was written down, or after hearing about big Sister's dramatic stay in the NICU, that Father P wanted to make sure to give the Lord a clear request for a healthy newborn this time around.
I just though it was humorous. We'll happily welcome Baby Clare "in sickness OR in health." But it can't hurt to strongly request that she comes to us in perfect health!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Random Round-up
Forgive me, I've got pregnancy brain. I've got 19 days until my scheduled c-section. Not sure I could come up with a coherent post if I tried. Blogging will probably be a little spotty from here on out.
1. I'm having an interesting Lent. Rather than take on any big spiritual tasks, I'm trying to do a better job of living my daily life "with Him." Being in God's presence, conscious that every small task, taking a shower, finding a child's lost shoes, changing a diaper, staying gracious while suffering pregnancy pain--everything thing is from him, for him, and with him.
I'm failing totally miserably, like 99% of the time. But the slight 1% of the time that I do something new "for God" is mind bendingly awesome!
2. I'm fighting to stay away from "spiritual pride." I had a bad, bad dose of spiritual pride as a Methodist. I'm not sure that I blame my former Protestant faith so much as humility and hiddeness were NOT on my radar. I used to boast in my Lenten fasts like "look what awesome things I'm doing for God in these 40 days."
Now, as a Carmelite I'm trying to be quieter. God doesn't need my fasts, or my prayers, or my alms. I don't need to go looking for crosses. God's merciful plan for my daily life is to send me plenty of crosses AND plenty of chances to do small acts of charity (plus moments for fasting, praying and alms-giving.) I'm doing myself a disservice if I just concentrate on the "big" charity things and miss out on the daily grind stuff. I really believe that handling my "daily grind" with prayer, hope and supernatural cheerfulness is what is going to get me into heaven.
3. Because I'm working on this in my own life "check-a-box" Catholics are driving me crazy. I really hate it when people are like "I'm good to go because I already checked off my God box today." I'm running into it all the time. 'Oh I went to Daily Mass", or "I visited a nursing home this week" or "I put money in the poor box."
It feels like nails on a chalk board to me when I run into this situation. So pray for me, because I've really got to stop being so judgmental!!!!! I'm working myself into a extra round of purgatory, if not the actual pit of hell. Just because I'm working on this issue does not mean that the rest of the world needs to conquer it with me.
4. We're discovering that we were really sent to West Virginia to be "missionaries." I live in an extremely Christian State, but only 5% of the population is Catholic. There's a lot of bias against Catholics--so I've found the Catholics here are somewhat "confused." Like they don't talk about Mary, even on her feast days.
So we end up in a lot of situations that are weird and confusing. I'm trying to just stay calm and be content to let our family's Catholic light shine quietly. (Neither my husband or I are any good at appolgetics. We keep joking "We're Carmelites, not Dominicans. We'll leave the preaching to them and stick to praying ourselves!)
5. After 3 years in Carmel, I'm finally making peace with the idea that "I'm a beginner!" I might very well die a total beginner! (I mean, all progress in the spiritual road is His alone to great right?) I used to stress out so much about "what room of the Interior Castle I was in" or how quickly I could move up into a higher state of prayer.
Now it's just so calming to think "I'm just a little beginner." Its so nice because the stuff "little beginners do" pray, try to follow the 10 commandments, attempt to cultivate the naturally 'hard' virtues in my soul--those are the same things that the Saints do at a higher level. Plus, I told my husband I no longer have any fear about conversing with someone who is super advanced on the spiritual plane. Everyone thinks the pre-school CCD class is so cute when they lisp "Jesus loves Me, this I know" in Sunday Mass. That's all I am, a spiritual three year old! With humility, I could comfortably chat with the Pope right now!
1. I'm having an interesting Lent. Rather than take on any big spiritual tasks, I'm trying to do a better job of living my daily life "with Him." Being in God's presence, conscious that every small task, taking a shower, finding a child's lost shoes, changing a diaper, staying gracious while suffering pregnancy pain--everything thing is from him, for him, and with him.
I'm failing totally miserably, like 99% of the time. But the slight 1% of the time that I do something new "for God" is mind bendingly awesome!
2. I'm fighting to stay away from "spiritual pride." I had a bad, bad dose of spiritual pride as a Methodist. I'm not sure that I blame my former Protestant faith so much as humility and hiddeness were NOT on my radar. I used to boast in my Lenten fasts like "look what awesome things I'm doing for God in these 40 days."
Now, as a Carmelite I'm trying to be quieter. God doesn't need my fasts, or my prayers, or my alms. I don't need to go looking for crosses. God's merciful plan for my daily life is to send me plenty of crosses AND plenty of chances to do small acts of charity (plus moments for fasting, praying and alms-giving.) I'm doing myself a disservice if I just concentrate on the "big" charity things and miss out on the daily grind stuff. I really believe that handling my "daily grind" with prayer, hope and supernatural cheerfulness is what is going to get me into heaven.
3. Because I'm working on this in my own life "check-a-box" Catholics are driving me crazy. I really hate it when people are like "I'm good to go because I already checked off my God box today." I'm running into it all the time. 'Oh I went to Daily Mass", or "I visited a nursing home this week" or "I put money in the poor box."
It feels like nails on a chalk board to me when I run into this situation. So pray for me, because I've really got to stop being so judgmental!!!!! I'm working myself into a extra round of purgatory, if not the actual pit of hell. Just because I'm working on this issue does not mean that the rest of the world needs to conquer it with me.
4. We're discovering that we were really sent to West Virginia to be "missionaries." I live in an extremely Christian State, but only 5% of the population is Catholic. There's a lot of bias against Catholics--so I've found the Catholics here are somewhat "confused." Like they don't talk about Mary, even on her feast days.
So we end up in a lot of situations that are weird and confusing. I'm trying to just stay calm and be content to let our family's Catholic light shine quietly. (Neither my husband or I are any good at appolgetics. We keep joking "We're Carmelites, not Dominicans. We'll leave the preaching to them and stick to praying ourselves!)
5. After 3 years in Carmel, I'm finally making peace with the idea that "I'm a beginner!" I might very well die a total beginner! (I mean, all progress in the spiritual road is His alone to great right?) I used to stress out so much about "what room of the Interior Castle I was in" or how quickly I could move up into a higher state of prayer.
Now it's just so calming to think "I'm just a little beginner." Its so nice because the stuff "little beginners do" pray, try to follow the 10 commandments, attempt to cultivate the naturally 'hard' virtues in my soul--those are the same things that the Saints do at a higher level. Plus, I told my husband I no longer have any fear about conversing with someone who is super advanced on the spiritual plane. Everyone thinks the pre-school CCD class is so cute when they lisp "Jesus loves Me, this I know" in Sunday Mass. That's all I am, a spiritual three year old! With humility, I could comfortably chat with the Pope right now!
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